At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
