I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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