I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
