The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
