Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
