Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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