my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
