So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
