Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
