He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
