I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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