Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
