he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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