dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
