I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
