If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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