from now on my penis is your penis
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize