My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
