fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
