I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize