Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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