Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
that is very illegal...i love you.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize