Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
