Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
