All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
