Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
