Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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