Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
