Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
