That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
