Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
