A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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