Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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