Already got asked if we're dating
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
