Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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