he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
