38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I need water and some morals
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
