CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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