i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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