Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
