I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
