after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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