took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
