Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
