Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
