We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
