OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
