I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
there is glitter all over my balls
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