did you get engaged???
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
