When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
