As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
