there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize