Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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