My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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