Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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