I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
