I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
